I’m very anxious and jumpy. I recognize this feeling – I’m very stressed and I’m dreading what’s going to happen next, in this case, work on Wednesday.
I know. Wednesday?? That’s TWO days away. I don’t hate my current placement, but I surely detest the pressure and the helplessness. I hate being pressured by the nurses over small decisions – can this patient eat? Can he not fast tonight? The poor man hasn’t eaten in two days and we still don’t know if he is going into theatre today!
I can understand the nurses’ attitudes. Their patients are probably harassing them and they feel helpless too. But asking me multiple times and getting upset with me ain’t gonna reverse the decision. I don’t have the authority to do so. So I put up with it. Put up with the constant harassment and wonder about my sanity. And I wonder if this is really a necessary part of internship. It’s very draining and it makes me cynical and bitter about life and revolting people.
And then I had the opportunity to work with other registrars and my eyes were opened and I was amazed, relieved and touched. They were kind. They were supportive. They were clear. And I felt happy and light. I don’t get yelled out and I don’t second guess myself over the smallest decisions and I don’t doubt their management.
And I understand the root of the problem. Have known it all along but never realizing just how big the problem was. And then feeling sad because I have over a month more on this placement. And all I can do is work doubly hard to compensate for the laziness of others and to resolve to myself that when I become a registrar in a few years time, I will never raise my voice at my junior doctor nor will I ever make them feel so isolated. So isolated that despite having a healthy social life, one can still wonder if she is tottering on the brink of depression.