Monthly Archives: April 2011

A matter of ups and downs

These days the amount of downs seems to outnumber the ups i have. I need to sort this situation pretty quickly as I can feel the resentment and bitterness building up in me. Already i’m starting to notice some collateral damage. I’m getting pretty short with my friends.

I feel so misunderstood sometimes. And no matter how hard I try to explain; it maybe pointless as what one chooses to believe can be far more powerful than the truth.

Truth be told, I just want to play some good simple soccer. I don’t want any of these other responsibilities as they can take the simple joy out of soccer and make things difficult. It’s getting a little too stressful and burdensome.

I don’t know what to do anymore. So I do what I usually do – keep trudging along. But I fear sometimes I walk too far to return…

I may not go to church on Easter…

I’m not a regular church goer anymore. I can make up all sorts of excuses but I think it’s really because I don’t see the point. I usually zone out when the priest is giving his homily. Sometimes the preaching reaches out to me, but more often it doesn’t.

I think volunteering is more constructive, enlightening and interesting. But we all have our own little ways.

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Food donated for homeless men.

Anxiety

I’m very anxious and jumpy. I recognize this feeling – I’m very stressed and I’m dreading what’s going to happen next, in this case, work on Wednesday.

I know. Wednesday?? That’s TWO days away. I don’t hate my current placement, but I surely detest the pressure and the helplessness. I hate being pressured by the nurses over small decisions – can this patient eat? Can he not fast tonight? The poor man hasn’t eaten in two days and we still don’t know if he is going into theatre today!

I can understand the nurses’ attitudes. Their patients are probably harassing them and they feel helpless too. But asking me multiple times and getting upset with me ain’t gonna reverse the decision. I don’t have the authority to do so. So I put up with it. Put up with the constant harassment and wonder about my sanity. And I wonder if this is really a necessary part of internship. It’s very draining and it makes me cynical and bitter about life and revolting people.

And then I had the opportunity to work with other registrars and my eyes were opened and I was amazed, relieved and touched. They were kind. They were supportive. They were clear. And I felt happy and light. I don’t get yelled out and I don’t second guess myself over the smallest decisions and I don’t doubt their management.

And I understand the root of the problem. Have known it all along but never realizing just how big the problem was. And then feeling sad because I have over a month more on this placement. And all I can do is work doubly hard to compensate for the laziness of others and to resolve to myself that when I become a registrar in a few years time, I will never raise my voice at my junior doctor nor will I ever make them feel so isolated. So isolated that despite having a healthy social life, one can still wonder if she is tottering on the brink of depression.

Yum cha

I have got a 3 day break over Easter, and this is how I start off my celebrations.

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Sorry too hungry to take photos before the meal. 😉

Looking forward to days on my couch curled up with my dogs and a good book in hand. Hmmm…bliss.

Wannabes

Sometimes the most disrespectful people are the nurses. They question your decisions and rudely rebuke you. And yet they will be the first ones to throw you to the dogs if things go wrong. It’s really shameful, this behavior.

It makes me really wonder if some of these nurses hold such unreasonable hatred to doctors simply because they could not make the cut into medical school and ended up in nursing instead. Just so damn disgraceful.

Sometimes it is not the patients that require the psych referral. Jeez.

Fleur

Because I didn’t have the time to properly introduce my puppy – meet Fleur. She’s now 12 weeks. She is a miniature Pinscher. I wanted to give her a Japanese name but am not literate enough in the language to pick a sensible one. Eventually it was a toss between Holly and Fleur. I choose the latter because I kindda like that witch in Harry potter!

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