Just came back from BJJ training – my first since i stopped two weeks ago to focus on my exams. I was well-prepared for the inevitable – that my skills have gone rusty, my strength weaker and i will not last a minute in a fighting bout on the mats. But still i was not ready for the feeling of frustration, disappointment and almost despair at the extent of my deterioration and helplessness.

And what’s worse, i know it will be even more disastrous after i come back from my Japan trip in December. That will be a month and a half without training. Maybe two months, since i am thinking of stopping in the next two weeks too – i have two formal events coming up, and i am probably donning on cocktail dresses (subject to me being able to fit into them since it has been almost three years…) which are sleeveless, and i do not want bruises dotting my arms and me getting questions from fellow concerned medical professionals who will all probably think i am domestically abused.

So then what’s the point of training at all now right?

I like the training because i like the way i feel physically and mentally. And maybe it is all psychological, and maybe the fact that i think i look physically fitter may just be an illusion; but i still feel better, happier and more confident and for that i am willing to train. Except now i am feeling pretty miserable because i am starting to get the impression that as my skills deteriorate, the guys get less eager to teach. Ok, so maybe that is also in my head, but i think there is some truth to physically strong females attracting equally fit males (the converse is true for less fit males, as in strong females tend to intimidate them).

I reminded myself that my intention right from the start when i join BJJ was to keep fit and not to grapple competitively. The other reason why i am going slower during training is because i am sick of getting bruises and injuries. I recover slower and it is affecting the other aspects of my life – soccer and Medicine. I don’t want that anymore. But i hate holding back.

Gosh, i really need to tread a fine balance between holding back and getting injured.

Argh, i need to brace myself for the onslaught of misery in January. I guess what really irks me is that those guys who started out as beginners around the same time as me, are going to be so much better and that annoys me. Wth.


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