It’s amazing how a small incident can alter my mood for the rest of the night.
Anyhow, i just signed up for ten classes of group soccer coaching sessions. I went for one today – it was ok…except i don’t really know what i was doing (as usual). Because all the women in the game are in this program out of sheer fun and fitness; there was not much organization when it came to playing games. However, i have to say they are pretty good. They must be retired soccer players from their youthful days and now can’t commit to a proper team due to other responsibilities. Anyway, i was sent up front again – not sure what is it with people always sending me off to the top of the field. I really hate striking positions. Of course, i felt like a headless chicken, running around, not sure of myself, of the game and of anything else, so that was a bit frustrating. In the end, i only started to pick up my pace when i just adopted a heck-care attitude and play like i play in recreation – chase after the damn ball wherever regardless of position and attempt to boot in the general direction of the goals. Not sure exactly how much that would help my skills, but i have already paid up. *Keeping my fingers crossed that something worthwhile will come out of this investment*
Then there was this other commercial soccer organization that i discovered. They organize games on a weekly basis and you can just sign up online if you want to play. I paid for an account…except now my guts suddenly left me and i am very hesitant about playing a soccer match with players i barely know. I also have the feeling that they are not the usual recreational players but players of a certain caliber. In fact if the games have insufficient numbers, the organizer will pull players from the team he coaches to take part in the game. I googled him, and of course, found out that his team is of a high standing and i may have actually played with some players of their lesser skilled team during the soccer season. So being recognized is another thing i am afraid of.
To be honest, i am quite tried of making new friends and having to fit in again. I think i have done it one too many times. It is a lot of work to be accepted into a social circle of relatively tightly knitted girls. Today when i went for the coaching session, i was really half-hearted about meeting new people. I just want to work on my soccer skills man. Admittedly, it was probably because of an earlier incident that really annoyed me, and my terrible mood was spilling a little into other aspects of my life. Seriously people, if you have a problem; acknowledge it and focus on resolving it. Otherwise, you just fester with it and trust me, it will overflow and affect the people closest to you. Why be so selfish?
Anyhow, i make hasty decisions when i am in a bad mood. Since i came back from the soccer session, i have wasted 3 hours reading useless shit on the internet. I can’t study because i am so frustrated. Argh.
Anyway, i will probably book to play a game next week (which means i sacrifice one session of BJJ). The more i play, the better i will be with my skills. I just need to keep telling myself that instead of worrying about disgusting others with my rather elementary skills. Hah. I find it remarkable that even at this age and standing in life; i can still feel intimidated. How very strange indeed.