Perhaps in the next few days, you will hear me rant about soccer. Perhaps you will not. But this is the problem that is currently plaguing me, and until i find a solution/my purpose/my perspective; you my readers, will have to suffer in stony silence with me. (I have given you the heads up!)
Right now, i am enjoying a cup of brewed Oolong tea, an activity i have not done in more than 1.5 years. I guess that is an indication of the mood i am in. I am also nursing a headache, courtesy of soccer.
There are many events that have occurred in the past two hours to make me really hate soccer, detest my coach and rage against a few of my teammates. The short of it (because i have already ranted about it to a close friend and therefore feel much better) is that today i realized just how much i was not enjoying myself in that particular game. So much so i made up my mind to tell the coach after the game that i was not going to continue for next season.
I tried talking myself out of it; tried convincing myself to calm down before making such a rash decision; but i could not. In the end, we won the game, and everyone was in such jubilee that i just could not be a wet blanket and destroy everyone’s mood with my decision.
Three main events that led to such a momentous decision on my part.
One, i told the coach i do not ever want to be in a striker position ever again. Today, we had a lack of players and i had to cover the right midfield and right striking position. I will be the first to admit that i am no good at dribbling or maintaining control over the ball. What really frustrates me is that it is very obvious i am very lost on the field with no idea what is expected of my position. The coach does not train me in this regard, and my poor performance on the field destroys my morale and embarrasses me. There is one thing that really irritates me – inaccurate reflection of my abilities because my potential was not utilized. Unfortunately, the coach does not heed my pleas. So that is one foot closer to the door.
Two, a few of my teammates like to yell. I find that those who yell and make a big fuss about themselves tend to gain sympathy, or at least on the surface. Those like me, who suck it up, and deal with it, gets treated like a doormat. Today, i have two to three players to mark. I got yelled out whenever one of them plow free through our defence lines. I kept quiet instead of pointing out that there is only one of me. The breaking point came when i was marking a player and my striker kept telling me to attack my opponent. I have been trained in defence previously, and i know what is expected. In addition, our own defenders have always cautioned us against lunging for the ball because our opponents can side-step us easily. Anyway all these are just technical details. My point is – mind your damn business and just let your teammates do what they are supposed to do. My striker yelled once, twice; third time, i lost my temper and roared at her. She shut up in shock, the field was silent and so were the spectators. I cannot remember the last time i lost my temper like this and shout at someone. Now i know this game is turning me into a worse person than i am; and to me, this is a strong indication to re-think my priorities. So now my foot is halfway out of the door.
Three, with all these thoughts, mental and physical pressure weighing on me as i slogged through the match, one of my opponents tripped me and i fell on my ass. I hate falling. To fall on my ass in such a disgraceful manner is even worse. My temper flared. In the space of a few minutes, i earned myself two fouls. I tripped and rammed the other players and just did not give a damn fuck anymore. Even if i could dodge a player as i sprint, i chose not to, and she went a-flying. It was legitimate so i got away with most of it. But i reckon a few of my teammates notices and started drifting down my side of the field to help me out. Also i think i looked furious, and the opponents whom i knocked out deliberately did not dare retaliate. I knew what was happening and i did not like it. I was losing control. Really, i say, the final point in this debate.
My headache came from the two massive headers that i copped. The impacts were humongous. I wondered why i was risking a brain injury. Members from both teams were concerned when they heard the impact and perhaps a little impressed that i was fine. I did not think it was anything to be proud of. I started feeling like i was in a rugby match instead. I am also sustaining more injuries in soccer than in BJJ training. That does not sit well with me.
So i guess that is what it boils down to. I am unhappy. I am no longer motivated. I recognize these signs in myself – it will be the end of the road unless i do something about it. I have taken some action; but i must be prepared that it will not be swayed my way.
Right now, i am really not inclined to put my body on the line for a club that i am losing faith in.