I have always viewed people with mood swings as those volatile, self-centred personalities; people who were more dangerous and unpredictable than active volcanoes. And i always considered myself as one without mood swings. Now i realized that mood swings aren’t just those with explosive outbursts but include people who lapse into long silences. Increasingly, i have noticed that i am belonging to the latter group. A good friend whom i recently met up with, after almost a year of minimal contact remarked that i have grown either more serious and contemplative, or more cynical. I have noticed that myself. I see how i am always on a high, generally being happy and excited; and when things do not pan out, i really crash all the way down, becoming very sullen as things spiral out of my control. I am not so sure this is healthy, and i am starting to wonder if perhaps i should try to flatten the spikes and troughs of my emotions a bit more.
Today on the drive home after soccer training (there was no training; a grand total of three girls including myself showed up), i was suddenly hit by a wave of nostalgia. An unfamiliar song with a familiar tune was playing on the radio, and a flash of light from passing cars suddenly stirred a dormant memory of my Homeland. These spells of nostalgia hit me at the oddest moments, though i have to admit their frequency has lessened over the years. I suddenly recalled the nights when my dad would ferry me up and down from my various appointments – be it staying back after school for extra-curricular activities, tuition or sporting activities. I remembered staring out the car window watching the passing scenery, which comprised mainly of brightly-lit high rise apartments in contrast to the dark skies, as i was gently lulled to sleep in the car. I distinctly recalled thinking to myself on many occasions what would life be like in a decade; if things would change, where would i be, what will i be doing. And now a decade later; here i was reminiscing these memories on foreign soil. How very strange.
I have been feeling increasingly stressed over the last few days and the main reason is because i am dreading the start of my most intense semester next week. Already i can foresee the severe lack of time i will have, the long hours spent in the hospital, barely enough time for myself, and collapsing in exhaustion on my bed. Partly i suppose it is because my study break has been so short and incomplete. The first week was spent preparing for job interviews and being interviewed. The second was spent attempting to rest yet waiting nervously for both the results of my exams and the results of my job match. The final week was spent getting over my elation and trying desperately to watch the DVDs i rented and read the books i have purchased. So i guess, in effect, i only had a week’s break?
I have been putting in serious effort for my languages and my music lessons, practicing them dutifully and making great strides in progress. I feel sad that all these is going to end because Medicine is going to be a more than a full-time job. I really detest this lack of a balanced lifestyle and the constant need to fight against my profession from taking over my entire life. But i guess i should count my blessings more often.
I can’t help but feel just a little apprehensive as Monday looms ahead.