Ashamed

Today’s match went horrifically wrong. There was a record number of yellow cards given…to my team. To be fair, the other team’s coach was running his mouth off and thrash-talking us. But this is not the first coach we have met to have behaved like this, so i am not sure why my team mates took it so personally. The referee was also a bit old-schooled and anal, but if you were respectful, he was reasonable. And that’s the whole point. I don’t think we are a very polite team. We sneered and jeered at other teams, and bitch about them too, so we are no angels ourselves. (I refrain from this shit, but we are a team, and so shall bear the same responsibility.)

Some of our players have no team spirit and i am appalled that the coach did not mete out a few well-deserved harsh words or two. What do you say of a player who was supposed to be on the field but did not want to play, and both teams had to wait for her, and our supporters on the bench had to cajole her on the field, whilst our team watched silently on? What does that speak of our morale? Is it any wonder the coach of our opponents’ team seized the opportunity to psych us out? And he did it successfully because the hot-headed players of our team completely ruined our formation and strategy.

Not to mention that our striker went down in a tackle (to be honest, she goes down real easy, i play defence with her, and as a defender i give her a wide berth because she is always yelling and complaining when she goes down; i say she needs to get her shit together), stood up and actually shoved the other player. The referee already thinks we are a team with bad manners – so guess what? Another yellow card. Another player tried to argue with the referee. One more yellow card. Argued more – was threatened with a second yellow card. I was just waiting to see when the red card was going to come out. And then the coaches nearly got into a fight. The game had to be stopped for the referee to reprimand both of them, whilst us players just stared on. I was appalled.

After the game, the thrash-talking continued. I just watched on silently. I heard one of my players boast that they had punched an opponent out before and put her in hospital. She would not hesitate to repeat her performance. I wondered if she knew how childish and foolish she sounded. Another hot-headed one cawed that she was not angry (even though she shoved the other player) and said that if she was angry, no one would have been able to hold her back. She yelled at another of our teammates who tried to calm her down. Again, the coach said nothing.

This coach is starting to prove to me that he is very weak. We played on our opponents’ home ground today. It was a beautiful ground, well-maintained, clean change rooms, seats provided. Clearly a rich, family-friendly club. Ten minutes into the game, our coach lit up a cigarette and strode up and down the beautiful grass, ruining the fresh air with his toxic fumes. I am not sure where he tossed his cigarette butt. Someone from the other team politely told him to not light up anymore. I was embarrassed for him and for my team.

I turned up for every training, and have been training in central defender position. Today i played midfield, and i was utterly confused. A few of the other midfielders were not playing the same strategy, in fact two of us were quite confused. I believe that cost us a goal or two. Since i was so confused, i clearly should be and was substituted. I did not mind that – better not to be a liability. I spent more time warming the bench i reckon. Why train me in a different position and get me to play another position altogether? And because of that, i get benched? Just because i can fucking run does not mean i am a versatile player, fool! You are ruining my confidence and the team’s confidence in me. Fuck.

Last training, only six players including me turned up. Six players were still players nonetheless. I was ready to train. The other five players did not want to. The coach concealed his frustration. When i stated that the coach drove more than 1.5hours to training straight after work, a few of the other players pounced on me and told me not to make it seem like it was their fault when the other girls did not turn up to train. Sure it ain’t their fault that less than half the team did not show up, but it certainly is their responsibility to respect the coach and train regardless of the number. You know what happened? The coach took out a bottle of wine, downed two whole glasses, distributed a glass each to those players who wanted one, before we went for training. I was astounded.

I am not happy. I really am not. Wednesday i am going to let the team know that – if they want my commitment, especially if i take forty minutes to get to the training grounds, and they take less than half that time, they had better get my position right, let me train where i am supposed to be, and give me more playing time on the pitch. I have enough of feeling wretched and responsible after every match (we always lose) when the other players do not take responsibility.

If not, sayonara, my friends. You are on your own. I will not stick my neck out for people who do not deserve it. I am still reeling from the shock of witnessing the atrocious behaviour of my teammates.

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