Last week was grueling. I have come to realize that i am severely over-loading myself with my extra-curricular activities. But i can’t just drop all of my lessons because the regression of my skills would be appalling and the money i have invested over the years in these lessons would go to waste. I think the tipping point came when i joined my soccer club (note: i am not complaining – i am liking this club a lot). I was not expecting the physical fatigue that came along with the training. I would push myself during training (i can feel and see myself getting fitter and i am absolutely loving it) but the next day i am incredibly fatigued. This is also when i understood that one can die of physical exhaustion – i could never comprehend why this was the case; you need to experience it firsthand i suppose. Plus i am no longer playing as goalkeeper. I am now stationed on the field as central defender. Whilst i relish the opportunity to run on the pitch, i am also hesitant in the coach’s confidence in my fitness level. In the position allocated to me; i am required to run the full width of the pitch. Tomorrow is my first game in this position. I have to admit that although i am excited, i am also kind of worried that i may disappoint the team and myself.
On the medical side of stuff, i am starting to get a little anxious about job applications and interviews. I am not as worried as a few incredibly frazzled medical students (don’t get me wrong; i am not saying my grades are extraordinary or my CV gives me an edge over the others, but i think it is more to the contrary, where i just do not want to compete for a position in the larger and seemingly prestigious (as perceived by most of my peers) hospitals); but the datelines are near; and so i must really start putting in some cover letters and CVs. The fear of not securing a position has yet to hit me. Rather i am troubled by the more mundane stuff – the clothes i should wear for my interviews, and hence the inevitable shopping trip. I am not the shopping sort and my sense of fashion is limited to t-shirts and jeans; hence shopping is a very stressful activity for me. The act of changing in and out of clothes exhaust me far more rapidly than running a couple of laps round the field. I know it is all psychological, but the weariness is all too real. Someday when i can afford it, i am just going to hire a personal shopper and get this person to do all the legwork for me.
Then the very last thing i need to consider is whether i want to stay in this state, move to another state, or return to the homeland. Over the past few weeks, i have made my mind up about one matter. After i graduate, my career is going to take a backseat. I am going to put my family as top priority. Hence if i were to move to another state, i would have to uproot all the networks i have painstakingly made over the past few years and start fresh (and lonely i presume) in a new and foreign state. Or i can return to the homeland where friends can introduce me to their networks although i may have to really relegate my career to the bottom step – i think finding someone who would want to or even agree for me to go to a third world country to practice medicine is going to be very difficult. I say i will let my career take a backseat, but i ain’t letting it go up in flames, especially after 6 years in medical school. Or i could stay in this state, although staying in this state is like taking a sitting-on-the-fence kind of approach. If i return home, chances of setting up a family are going to be very high. Moving to another state would further my chances of getting into a training programme. Staying put is just that – a fifty-fifty chance. And no, the decision is really not such a no-brainer i can assure you.
So much to think about. All these on top of my impending exams. I think this semester has one of the heaviest workloads of all semesters – pediatrics and obstetrics and gynecology have so much material to learn, it is almost mad. Did i also mention that my interviews will be in the last two weeks leading up to my exams? I am not quite sure how i am going to handle the next few weeks. To add the icing to the cake, the contract for my current residence will come to an end in three months, and i may have to find a new place. It is going to be interesting to see how i react. The one good thing i have noticed is that on Friday when i was really stressed and did not want to get out of bed (i have been cultivating really bad habits recently – too long afternoon naps (which then affects my night sleep), skipping dinners and re-discovering facebook) and thus not turn up for soccer training, i still dragged my sorry ass over to the training ground (the one advantage of a team sport is that you can’t afford to be lazy because your actions don’t just affect yourself). After two hours of intense training, i actually felt better. My mood lightened up and my perspective brightened up. It was quite incredible. Endorphins really have potent anti-depressive effects. What the hell. Anyway i got to put in a couple of pages of studying before retiring to bed. Early start tomorrow – gonna volunteer at the RSPCA.
Oh, i forgot to mention, the dog has passed her final hurdle in Basic Obedience today with flying colours. We are moving onto the Intermediate level next week. I marvel at how much has been achieved in less than a year. The same time last year, she was a rowdy dog plagued with separation anxiety and dog-to-dog aggression; and i was constantly stressed with the prospect that the neighbours would lodge a complaint against my noisy dogs. Sometimes, the inevitable has to happen (rehoming my other dog), and it works out for the best in the long run. I am so proud of my dog.