Crossroads

I have such a headache.

The problem is this:

After numerous consultations and discussions with friends, i have decided that i am 95% certain i will return back to the homeland to work. I was excited too. And then i told my mother, and things have been on a slippery slide since then. The four phone exchanges we had; i spent most of the time yelling. Finally, in the last one, i was just laughing to myself, in disbelief that after six years, we are still having the same sorry conversation.

My parents are from a very conservative Eastern background. I have been in this country for six years, to complete my medical education. I have been exposed to Western values, ideas and working mentalities. Clearly, my thinking ain’t going to be as conservative.

I have been exposed to the culture whereby leaving your home to forge your own at age 18 is a very common thing to do. Staying with your parents when you are nearly in your mid-twenties will be a shocker. I came to this country when i was 19. I am 24 now. When i return home to work, i intend to rent my own place and do my own thing, and not live with my parents. I think that’s an honourable thing to do – rely on yourself, earn your own keep and support yourself.

The mother went beserk.

I was accused of being a money waster, an unfilial daughter and an impulsive arrogant fool who longs after material things when i am not even in the workforce yet (even though i will have a job when i come back). I was astounded by this long list of negative qualities that my mother has placed on me. In fact our argument even went as far as back as her stating that she regrets sending me over to a Western country.

In short, my mother wants me to stay at home with them, go out and work in the day, come back and eat dinner with them, listen to what they say, and heed their every word (like a mindless fool), find a nice boy, get married, set up a family and be the perfect role model for every stupid Chinese family – family, respectable job and prestige.

Fuck. I am very angry.

I don’t know why i still keep trying to pick up the broken pieces of my family when i only cut myself every time. I am very tired. Sometimes i feel the only way to resolve this is to cut them completely out of my life. I could do that, by staying here, but i also know that i will be running away from the problem, and i will be staying for all the wrong reasons.

I think my mother is right in one part of our conversation, “We are just not compatible.”

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